It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
You thought that the "chillable" logo on the box wine was referring to a city in italy.
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
The drug dealer had chickens in his house so I know it was good stuff.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
After 7 months of nothing.. shall we throw your vagina a party? as its reinstatement into society?
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
Randomize
