OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
haha i think we're both just down to be fuck buddies..but i do have a hickey and a bit of a big lip and fucking burns on my knees..note to self hooking up on a golf course is NOT that exciting
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
check off brunette on the list of girls tht hit me with there cars and then fucked me later
there's no excuse to just assume your pants won't be coming off for some reason or another. that's just irresponsible
do you know how hard it is to walk a mile drunk on 151 it's hard yards are soft and every girl looks good
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
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