Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
im having a threesome with these popsicles
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
How's work?
Spinning.
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
Randomize