Someone shit on the floor
Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
just spent all of my last class as a college student, vomiting in the bathroom. its moments like these i will cherish
i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
It wasn't so much skinny dipping. It more like skinny walking...through a fountain.
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
my last clear memory of the night was being offered a shot but having so much alcohol in my hands that someone literally had to pour it in my mouth for me. after that it pretty much skips to waking up face down and shirtless on my floor.
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
Randomize
