Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
Girls at BYU need to learn how to handle a penis. I swear my date last night was trying to pull it off my body to use later.
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
Randomize
