I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
Sarah Palin is going to have a show on the discovery channel...Can I get a moment of silence for knowledge?
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
No, this place just freaks me out. Like I feel like ill get pregnant just being here. And all those pregnant bellies. It's weird.
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
I'm just hitting the tip of the iceberg on accents for this trip...so basically my panties are done for.
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
I woke up and he already had a joint rolled waiting next to the bed. Love.
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
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