my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
15 year-old stoners have those problems. we're college students dude. dont be like that...
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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