Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
Is it a bad thing that the only time i wear nice clothes to class, is when i get too fucked up the night before and wear the same clothes i went out in?
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
At a St Pats house party. Just raised $110 for two short chicks to crawl into a dog cage together. Video forthcoming. Respect.
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
Randomize
