Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
Ifound a recepit for a hotel room in my sock. soo.. Ithink thats where my dog is.
But it's not about our feelings, it's about making the men we sleep with feel awful about their lives
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
I can't help but look at my sex life and acknowledge that this is not normal behavior.
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
but seriously, an anthropology paper shouldn't be hard if you're trashed, right?
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
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