we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.
They made the rule if I caught the ball with my cleavage they would drink the entire beer pong table. I don't think they expected me to actually do it.
This breakup hit defcon 5. Walked to pathmark with a denim jacket over my nightgown to get ben and jerrys. On sale btw.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
Did you leave ur panties in the sink?
Kitchen or bathroom?
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
anyways, do you want to make more embarrassing memories that im bound to remind you about later and laugh about?
Randomize
