Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
Also do the "tongue the pee-hole" thing.
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
i wanna meet her so much more now that I know she got toed in a hottub.
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
So changing channels while she's on top is frowned upon. It's back to thinking about baseball again.
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
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