she must of just birthed a child cause her labia touched the floor
I'm still reeling over the fact that you beat us all at Risk while you were flat on your ass drunk and falling asleep on South America.
I just masturbated mid-day, thinking of you
I think that is one of the most romantic things I have ever heard from a fuck buddy on v-day, there is a strong possibility that you will soon be my girlfriend.
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
I STILL HAVE A HARD TIME DECIDING WHAT TO WEAR IN THE MORNING HOW WOULD IT BE POSSIBLE FOR ME TO PICK A PAIR OF PANTS AND GO OH ILL JUST WEAR THESE FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
Dick is dick. I’m not turning it down because he’s younger than me. Covid has been a real cockblock and I’m a woman with needs
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