my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
I wish you could take over my body and feel what my nipple feels like right now
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
We now only communicate via Xbox messages. Living together is so easy
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
But I aced my quizzes. Apparently flash card beer pong is an acceptable form of studying.
Well he offered to lick my asshole so...I'm not really worried about his interest level.
Just fyi i'm now butt naked in a steam room smoking a bong in some guys house. i sense the weed penetrating my pores.
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
Randomize
