He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
She asked the class if starwars was based on a true story...
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
THERE IS THE SEXIEST BEARDED MAN HERE. I CAME EVERYWHERE.
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
Cant leave im designed bacon maker you come here
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
Randomize
