He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
We did it and he fell asleep and I was bored so I decided to go back to the party...is that bad?
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
Can we make sure camping doesn't turn into forest-orgy?
Lol, last year was UNREAL
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
Randomize
