we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
No - a douche bag is not a fashion accessory. They do not make Gucci Douchebags
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
This is the 4th time we've hooked up, and this morning we woke up, he got out of bed and left. Left me alone in his apartment with 3 of his friends. Without even a word. Why do i like this guy?
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
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