My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
Saying she let herself go implies she was actually holding on
taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
At some point, it turned less into sparring and more into tough guy dry humping.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
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