How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
He wanted me to blow him while he did curls and looked at himself in the mirror. Not sure if gay or ego maniac.
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
So we were fooling around last night and suddenly Like A Virgin popped up on his itunes
OMG haha What did he say?
He told me that if I laughed, I would have to leave.
Does it count as a threesome if your friend drunkenly has sex on top of you while you're passed out?
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
I would offer you moral support, but I have questionable morals..
Randomize
