I like bacon cheeseburgers and the pussycat dolls
Does that mean you want me to loosen up your buttons at carls jr?
Bonnaroo quote of the day: "why the fuck am i pregnant?!?!" - exclaimed loudly by random hippie.
Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
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