I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
Sandwiches eeeeeeverywhere.
And by the way, how is me getting head even remotely comparable to you fucking 3 guys?
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
so I'm staring at this cat and wondering..is the tail of the cat the derivative of it's head?
stop getting stoned after studying for a calc final.
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
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