Well I'm going to a gay club in my banana suit. You should come. My bro is going as a pirate. I don't know if there's a theme.
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
i'm going to be one of those im-wearing-a-shirt-as-a-dress girls today. dont make fun of me, i need laid
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
craigslist free llama. are you in or are you in?
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
I had sex with marker all over my face so I can do just about anything.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
Randomize
