On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
I want to do you till i cant cum anymore. Till all i get is a little flag that says "bang".
Omg just want to confirm: got drunk, naked in street, fucked in bathroom and puked on bart.
All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
I don't want to talk about it but I will say, that was the best two headed $68 blowjob. Ever.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
its hard to say precisely how it happened, but the next thing i knew i was on top of a mountain
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
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