:)
Wipe that smile off your face.
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
I dont know, my roommate got arrested but I'm gunna get some tacos no matter what
Mmmhmmm sure, nice try, but there's certain wounds that only bj's can heal
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
I have photo proof.
Girl, don't care. What's my rule? If I don't remember it, it never happened.
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
