my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
he doesn't have near as many excuses as you..and his are usually pretty legit. like "i'm having a baby." that's pretty legit.
And then i made him answer questions about me before i took off my clothes
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
The guy in the American Flag bikini was telling the women he was disgusted at the amount of alcohol they weren't drinking. Then it got ridiculous.
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
I am never drinking with the goths again.
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
Randomize
