there are some really hot girls on the bus. i want to lips them
How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
she is the kim kardashian of front butts
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
He rubs his penis on back when he think I'm sleeping
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
Let go out that Thursday night!
Yess sounds good, I have to go turn myself in the next day because what happened last Friday.
Randomize
