Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
What kind of poor, pathetic town do we live in where a horny teenage girl is sitting in her basement on a saturday night, unlaid?
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
pop tarts are not kleenex
Just saw two girls doing a walk of shame together. Slut bonding at it's best.
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
Last night I dressed up as a cowgirl and walked into McDonald's. I bought 20 mcribs. There's pictures
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
Randomize
