its always fun the next morning to look around the room and see where all the clothing landed.
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
3pm strippers are depressing
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
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