Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
I just ran up four flights of stairs in heels, im getting an orgasm tonite.
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
no. i discovered the *exact* amount of drugs i need to do to understand calculus.
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
U dont jog and buy condoms n bulk
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
Randomize
