I dig being used for consequence free sex. Not consequenceful sex.
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
eh, I feel I'm heading for a breakdown and I need to get it out of the way before I start writing that lab report.
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
Randomize
