Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
and he thought i came like four times in 2 mins. my leg just kept cramping up
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
the girl whose rug I peed on is here
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
If you wear a peguin suit you MUST send me a picture!!!
And he put his penis in my face and I back handed it away.
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