Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
i normally make it a rule to leave when white people start rapping... but they had blow.
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
Not enough clothes on. Not enough vagina. Not enough drugs in my body.
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
But seriously he was like a god with his hands. My vagina feels annointed.
Well sort of got busted by a cop while having sex outside, so your call
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
it doesn't matter what you do now, you will forever be known as the girl who fell off the roof
nooooo! we need to brain storm. I need rebranding....what if I start always showing up with my cat or a wacky hat?
try again roofio
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