I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
SEX BINGO!
Canadian or clown?
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
Haha holy fuck. i dont remember much after pissing on your ex's flaming nude pics.
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