No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
Four minutes until I can fart!
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
If there was a saddle on his sack, she would ride it.
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
I have a 16 minute video of you talking about your life. We are calling it your Anthology sponsored by Steel Reserve
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
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