Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
Slut skills are useful in every country.
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
I just saw a wasted dude crawl out of the road at 2 in the afternoon. Big question- still drunk from the weekend or hitting the soju already?
I'll make some time for you! I don't know how long you need to get off, but I should only need 2-7 minutes, pending what kind of socks I have on.
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
Randomize
