Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
how did we start talking about space blow jobs?
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
Oh I'm definitely going to hit on her, there's no question about that. What I meant by playing it cool is I'm not going to mount her on sight.
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
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