Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
MTV Made just made me cry. Where have all of my life goals gone?
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
I don't know how I'm gonna do that tomorrow. I feel like I was hit by the motorhome. LOL I WAS.
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
Who knew wearing a toga outside would provide for and infinite amount of dick to choose fron
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
Randomize
