Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
Pretty sure that Albanian broad gave me something last night. Now we play the waiting game.
I judge a person on how well they respect their vaginas... I can tell by the lack of respect she has for hers I dislike her.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
Do you remember vividly describing the shape and girth of my cock to that girl last night?
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize