I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
i mean let's face it...the pregnant girl was really slowing us down.
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
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