I think we should start referring to bisexuals as "strays"
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
we are currently watching a singalong porn...just thought you should know
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
He turned me into a screamer. Guess I'm really not a lesbian.
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
We're Scorpios. We're like dogs rolling in whatever smells good to us.
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
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