I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
i wish we had morning classes together so we can spike our coffee.
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
I was really proud of me too last night! Found a discarded hamburger that I have no memory of at the foot of the bed. Instead of a Dude. I'm really growing as a person
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
Randomize
