Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
i think i was tempted to text while we were making out. like i remember holding my phone up behind his head and just staring at it.
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
Yeah sorry about that. I got pulled into the Russian student society's end of term party. There was too much vodka and eurodance to come help you pack.
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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