WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
you know the rule: 3 consecutive asian hookups makes you an asian fetish guy, no exceptions
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
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