Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
Three 40's of Mickeys, is no excuse to be naked at Baskin Robins.
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
are you putting in a lot of effort today like appearance wise
I am taking my rightful place as emperor of the undead appearance wise
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
He ate me out while I stood on his bed drinking a Rainier.
Randomize
