You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
I'm not the one who gave a guy that lives next door to my grandmother a blowjob in a pub bathroom in Ireland, you have no room to judge.
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
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