i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
There is literally a guy in my class with a gallon of water and a trophy.
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
No, the responsible one does not yell out "lets go to iHop" at 5 in the morning to a bunch of drunk people with munchies.
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
So what happened? Or does sex + ramen pretty much cover it?
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
its 8 and I'm HUNGOVER!! how is that possible??
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
