I did something last night that I shouldn't have, but I don't want to tell you because you'll probably just make it your fb status...
I see you've learned your lesson.
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
Sounds good. Stay safe. I'm kind of drunk in a Food 4 Less right now and I'm having the time of my life.
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
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