Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
i would have thought, that you two being my best friends, one of you would have atleast tried to catch me before i hit the ground after blacking out.
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
i figure if i show enough tits, no one will notice my eyebrows.
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
Randomize
