Was going to watch Bolt. Fucked a stranger instead. Details later.
So you didn't like Bolt?
Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
Is it rude to ask for an autograph after giving him a blowjob in their hotel's hot tub?
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
the funny thing was, all i remember was a liter of vodka and going to oneonta for the night. then 2 weeks later bam, i get a letter banning me from campus for the next 4 years. awesome convorsation with my dad to wake up to.
Randomize
