i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
One day. I will touch his hair. I'm curious if it'll be like a soft cloud.
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
Side note: Hot guys are now getting with ugly chicks. Alert the media.
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
Has anyone ever blacked out at an art show your dad brought you to?
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
The Lion King Is on YouTube
Until 2 minutes ago I actually had a chance to pass my midterms... thanks alot
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
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