I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
found a pic of my little bro & his girl naked. he got the brains and the huge junk gene. I hate him
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
Overall win. We all know who got to sleep on the concrete outside of Denny's with you.
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
I can only only sleep there on nights I orgasm cause he snores so loud and if he leaves me hanging one more time ill probably cut off his dick from lack of sleep and frustration
Is he the circus guy or the bi-curious street preacher?
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
Randomize
