there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
He doesn't like you, he likes u not having a gag relfex
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
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