new revelation: five guys for breakfast
new revelation: previous revelation not a good revelation
We videoed ourselves having sex... I now know why I close my eyes during sex
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
he just sent me a dick pic, it highly resembled a cheese stick
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Randomize
