sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
just saw a guy throwing up in the urinal at Dennys. Either he had one hell of last night or we are going to eat somewhere else
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
She's okay as an interesting car wreck. But as a sexual object she's funny
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
Dude she's famous. She's on an episode of campus pd. Can't not fuck her
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
Plus, it's just valuable. Virgin pee is very well-priced.
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
Randomize
