M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
Was going to watch Bolt. Fucked a stranger instead. Details later.
So you didn't like Bolt?
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
I just want to jump into a ballpool of dicks now.
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
I found him in his pink and white boxer out side the dorm hall and the only thing he said was "it wouldn't let me in"
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
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