if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
Her little brother was home, so we had to hook up while playing hide and seek with him
bought some hannah montana deodorant. hope it doesnt make me smell untalented
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
Randomize
