Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
I'm making progress with her.. She actually looked at me today and gave me a dirty look. Things are going real good.
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
I just saw her punch a kid in the face.. i always knew she was the girl for me.
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
You'll get a boner for sure
Way ahead of you. Kinda awkward while paying rent but hey
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
Randomize
