"Worlds Wildest Videos" should be called "Crazy White People"
I was giving him head and when I deep throated him he screamed out "Ohh, top ten!"
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
Well that's the thing. He does want to take me out... To a strip club. I see this going down a very bad road but you know I'm going to go.
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
Ethically, this is the worst thing I've ever done. Financially, however...
i was making a gravity bong in my room and my dad walked in. he helped me finish. i love being home for the holidays.
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
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