How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
The visine ive been using for four yrs expired. in sept. of 2001.....i will never question my eye problems again.
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
YET AGAIN, my financial planning for 2013 consists MOSTLY of eating chipotle as "brain food" and drinking Heavily before the Jeopardy contestant test.
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
