he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
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