Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
around noonish you got carried out for spitting water and throwing cups at old people...
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
He gave Paula abdoul a run for her crazy
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
I think putting on real pants was half my issue with today
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
Randomize
