I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
Totally forgot this... How weird was it when they were licking our faces
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The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
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When he swipes my v card it will be comparable to my bat mitzvah. should I make sweatshirts or sweatpants?
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.