last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
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There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
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I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
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