We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
I wish there was a classy way to show off your boobs.
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
she tied the funnel to the fucking ceiling...
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
Randomize
